Attention please!

It’s important to realize very early on in life that everyone is the star of their own Movie.
If we take the words of William Shakespeare “All the world's a stage” then you begin to a paint a very convincing picture… we all encounter the conflicts, the romance, the suspense, the pressures, the risks, the successes and the failures that come with a piece of drama...

However being the star of your OWN movie simply isn’t enough for most people.

Believe it or not I love attention, not only do I love it, I actively seek it! If I enter a room then I would like you, your mother and your next door neighbor to know about it...
The idea of simply Fading into the background like an extra on the set of Hollyoaks fills me with a deep and unshakable feeling of…well…lets just say it doesn’t make me feel good.

BUT!

Like most important things in this world, Attention is usually only noticed when someone isn’t getting enough, (or perhaps, is getting to much)

Ever since I was a young (he says as if he is approaching retirement in the near future…) I’ve had this almost supernatural ability that I like to call “Social Microwaving” (Cue: lightning sound effect

It’s a trait that many politicians and con-men (If they aren’t the same thing…) have acquired…
The ability to intensely focus on a SINGLE person for a certain period of time…to feed them so much of your undivided attention that they begin to feel like you and they are the ONLY people in the room.

It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to chat up a girl on the bus, trying to cheer up a saddened loved one or simply showing someone you care. The best way to get someone to confide in you is to make them the staring role In you’re personal production.

For a 20, 30, 60 minute stretch they begin to feel like a special guest on YOU’RE Sit com (the Brad Pit in your episode if friends…the Brendan Frasier in scrubs…), and begin to warm up to you from the inside out, revealing more about themselves they are even aware of.

Many time’s I’ve had people talk to me for hours and then literally stop themselves and ask “wow, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this…” (Cue evil laughter)
You would be surprised how much people are willing to share if you simply give them the attention they desire.

The real trick Isn’t so much how you treat the other person…it’s how much your willing to ignore about everything else…for the next “x” amount of time…you (insert name here) are my number 1 priority…my phone goes off? I’ll ignore it, I was watching a film but I’ll turn the T.V off.

So next time you find yourself in a 1 on 1 situation with someone you need to impress, or keep happy…try a little social microwaving and see if it doesn’t just get you where you want to be :D

The C.O.M.D Guide to being single (2010 edition)

Dusting through my old computer files I found an old piece entitled (how to be single as a teenager) which i had written a couple years back (before the blog)

So, after a few tweeks and changes and corrections allow me to introduce to you my guide to being single
Enjoy ^^
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Being single can be HELL, it can be a tortuous and frustrating state to be in and one that seems to be constant and never ending

BUT!

Being single can be the single most awesome and uplifting experiences in modern life. Think about it.
The true beauty of youth is the factor of ‘possibility’. When you’re young you have you’re ENTIRE future ahead of you…you could become a doctor…a lawyer…an intercontinental professional wrestler (I’d Call myself Kid Phantom) the possibilities are ENDLESS!! And the same can be said with being single!

IF you find yourself lamenting the day to day task of being a single man (or woman) in Great Britain follow my simple 5 step plan to happiness…

Step 1-The Cop…

You are a cop...

When a police man walks into the room he does it with authority…he is the LAW! You WILL respect him…he demands it…he doesn’t need to SAY a thing. It’s important to have that feeling of self importance…you are not just another dude (or female) you are the one and only! Know that in a room of at least 10 people it is guaranteed that at least 1 person will be looking at you at any given time. It’s not a mater of being full of yourself…it’s matter of knowing exactly how much you’re worth.

Buy clothes that make you feel better than everyone else…stand out…keep an eye out for fashion BUT deviate from it…you don’t wanna be wearing the same shirt, shoes, dress, skirt, jeans or baseball cap as everyone else. You’re clothes are your uniform they represent the brand…and they better represent well…

Step 2- The Con artist

You’re also the criminal…strategic, cerebral, calculated and cool…a criminal needs to be able to focus and become what ever he/she needs to at a moments notice…go about your daily life as you would but ALWAYS keep an eye open for a potential ‘mark’. Analyze the situation and adjust accordingly.

In a library? Pick up on what she’s (or he’s) reading “hey I notice you’re reading (Charles dickens, Financial Times, Life and times of King Henry the VIII, Suicide bombing for dummies) I don’t suppose you’re studying (English, Economy, History, Al Qaeda) what’s that course like here…

And just like that the “con is on” it’s nothing genius it’s simply Reading the situation and adjusting your tone to it. At a party? Ask her to dance! Out shopping ask for her opinion on something…tis simple! And it’s also helped by tip 3

Step 3- The worldly Scholar

Learning isn’t simply about Chemical bonds and Algebra. Learning is a fun part of life all the way until you die.

People tend to live their life between college (university now) and late night clubbing and they simply slip and slide from one side to the other like a ball in an eternal tennis match but what about Social clubs? Why not take up a sport, an activity! A new hobby. Instead of watching kung fu films why not learn a martial art? Why not learn to play ice hockey? Or dance the tango?

The world is WAY to large to paint yourself into a small little corner. Why not experience more, it makes you a more interesting person as a whole and not only can it be fun but it’s an AWESOME way to meet new people.

The most interesting people I’ve met seem to have tried a little bit everything, they can dance, play an instrument, have an active sport interest, enjoy crafts etc and the more that you do the more you can have in common with people! And let’s not forget you can always quit after a few weeks if it doesn’t hold your interest…

Who knows…you might be a natural golfer? Or master of the waltz…you’ll never know unless you give it a shot…

Step 4- The “Friend”

Guy’s… believe it or not girls actually make good friends...like in a platonic sense

Now I know a lot of you are thinking what’s the point of having a female friend if your not trying to get into her pants BUT the truth is having a trusted girl or two (or maybe even a group) can give you a real advantage out there in the tough dating world (wow did I really just call it the dating world?...what is this sex and the city?)

Girls can tell you what’s hot and what’s not. They can give you honest advice as to what cheesy lines are gonna fly and which one’s will get you slapped harder than a big ass in a P.Diddy video.
Let’s not forget that girls can inevitably hook you up with OTHER GIRLS.

Now as someone who spent many a year in the “Friend Zone” (read previous blog’s for details…) Take it from me…revealing the female mind is IMPOSSIBLE unless you have a few female friends to help with the translations…

Step 5- The Genetics

No song, No movie, No blog, No Speech, No poem, No Letter, No product, No NOTHING, can Stop you from being you…It’s important to understand yourself more than ANYTHING else…know what you can do and celebrate it…know what you cant do and then accept it…perhaps even try to improve it but do not HATE it…Every strength you have will probably come with an associated weakness…consider it gods way of keeping all the players on the pitch equal….the trick is to do the best with what you CAN do.

At the end of the day you are the product of thousands of years of genetics…you come from a long line of Survivors…people who survived in the wilderness, the jungles, who have survived plagues, fights, wars and hardships. Your bloodline has gone through more drama than an entire decades worth of Soap Operas…Chances are any problem you’re going through has already been faced, dealt with and forgotten by someone who went before you.

So for the love of god realize that you are a success story waiting to happen, and every success story has it’s conflicts. OK so you didn’t get into your university of choice? Neither did martin Luther king. So you didn’t make the sports team you really wanted to? Neither did Michael Jordon back in high school. So the so called ‘love of your life dumped you for your best friend’ guess what she’s not the love of your life and he’s not your best friend He’s some punk who conned you into trusting him and she’s some skank disguised as an angel!! .

So as long as your alive your gonna have problems so cry me a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT!
Have a little faith in your genes, they got you this far haven’t they, you really think they’re gonna stop now?

Dissatisfaction Guaranteed...

Dissatisfaction, the feeling of discontent. The feeling you get when the things you want simply do not turn out the way you want or expect them to. It’s an avoidable feeling on the highway we call life and it’s a feeling that often gives us an idea that something simply isn’t right…

Back when you were a kid it became PINFULLY clear that you would not always get the things you want, if it was so then I would own the largest theme park in the northern hemisphere, my own private island somewhere off the coast of Jamaica and an award winning movie called ‘the science of being awkward’ starring Samuel Jackson as the young and charismatic Chad Barley, but alas tis not the case.

The real problem with dissatisfaction is the deep, unshakable feeling it gives you about the world around.
The feeling that no matter how hard you try…something…will trip you up down the road.

The bible says that we should all treat each other the way we want to be treated ourselves, it’s a very simple concept but almost impossible to ever achieve.

No matter how hard you try someone will ALWAYS find fault in what you do.
The problem with trying to keep OTHER people happy is that happiness is subjective. If a task you perform makes 8 people happy then there will always be 2 who felt you weren’t doing enough (or perhaps even too much) and if you’re anything like me then it’s those final two who will occupy your mind the most…

And here in lies the problem. Everyone opinion of how much is TOO much and how little is TOO little is different and yet people (in general) tend to view their own opinions as law.

The question I ask is this…if dissatisfaction is almost guaranteed…is it worth even trying?

Would it not be in our best interest to act only in our best interests?

Perhaps it’s me with the problem…perhaps it’s naive to be a ‘Giver’ on a world full of ‘takers’. Living to put a smile on others peoples faces is a romantic idea, but who cheers up the clown when he’s sad? Who motivates the motivators when they…well…feel un motivated.

Social theorists for years now have been saying how western society as a whole has become more and more selfish, some blame capitalism, some blame television, some blame global warming (well no one blames global warming but it always seems to come up…)
But a part of me thinks that maybe that’s the way society has had to adapt to itself…and maybe, just maybe this idealist needs to grow up and do a lil more ‘taking’ for himself.

Sex: the tasty taboo

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Logic Vs Emotion: Round 1!

People are strange and annoying! If it was up to me the world would be full of chads…Sure it’d probably be a total pig sty…we’d have no functional economy because no one could count and Everyone would spend most of their time in doors playing video games instead of out there doing real work BUT at least we’d all understand each other…I wouldn’t need to do my ‘emotional detective’ work on people and read too much into everything. Allow me to walk you through something that bothered me a couple days back

My girlfriend…without a doubt one hell of a lady. Killer looks, classy as classy could get. More intelligent than an Intel Pentium 4 processor yet stupid enough to waste her time with a sociopath like me. (Thank god love is blind >.<)

So yesterday I called this goddess of mine on the phone…and knowing that the both of us had the next day free I told her that I’d LOVE to see her that evening...providing that she wasn’t busy of course...

And this is where it happens…

The moment…

the exact point in time where the twin towers of my enthusiasm were brought CRASHING DOWN by a simple statement... “I was actually planning on finishing my writing (she's a writer) and going to sleep early”…

I…I…I See…well then…have fun.

And with that…the conversation ends…now I have no right to feel anything in this situation…she’s a grown woman!! She requires space to do the things she needs to do right? I’m not a baby! I don’t need the constant attention of this woman like a defenseless infant right!! RIGHT!!!!

BUT!

As I stayed alone in my room, bored, disappointed and scratching up against the wall like a horny cat during mating season I began to think…and if there was one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that thinking…is the root of all evil…

On one hand she’s a grown woman!! And a strong one at that…she requires space and I NEED to respect that! I mean I’m not a child anymore (at least not biologically) and I’ve got to give her the room to pursue the things that she wants to do…so far…
logic:1 Emotions:0

BUT

Recently I bought a game for my Playstation called dragon age…its an epic…over the past 7 days I’ve clocked up over 80 hours with no sign of slowing down…

YET!

If my Vixen of Voluptuous stature asked to meet up with me…I would run like I was auditioning for Forrest Gump the musical! I would make Sonic the Hedgehog look like a god damn cripple!

Without a shadow of a doubt I would turn of the thing and meet my lovely lady and the reason I would do this is not because I have to or because it’s expected of me…it’s because I WANT to…so…

(following this simple line of reasoning) perhaps that means she simply didn’t want to meet me…or at least not as much as she wanted to finish her writing…so in terms of her priority list that must mean I come after writing… right?

(I believe you see where this is going…)

And so the thinking gets deeper…

I wander just where I DO fit on this priority list? Above shopping prehaps? What about television? Am I above that? Is she had to choose between saving me or a box set of desperate housewives on DVD…which would she choose!??? Would I even have a shot!!!?? The vicious cocktail of narcoses and paranoia continue to build up a very convincing case…

The train of thought speeds up and I begin to think about where does she fit on MY list…I mean this is a game I’ve been waiting for 6 months to arrive…hell…I knew about the game before I knew about her! I doubt Id even PAUSE it for my own mother…(unless she was on fire or something and even then id probably ask her to keep it down until I could find a save point…)

Yet I easily put it down for this young woman…so she must rank pretty high on my list no?

So I begin to wonder where do I rank on hers…which makes me begin to question everything!

I always approach a relationship from a position of mutual desire…

“I want what I want…and I want you…if you feel the same way about me…then we could help each other out” I understand just how blunt that sounds but lets face it…love is the most selfish emotion there is! Why else would it inspire jealousy in people?

And all of this…all of this doubt triggered by a single polite comment…the logical side of my brain shouts ‘You’re over reacting kid!!! Pull up!! PULL UP!!’
But the emotional side simply fails to listen…you were enthusiastic about meeting this person and they…they were not…why?

In the end (as I’ve learned to do) I responded logically I accepted…I swallowed my pride and let it go (after all there was no real transgression here…) but still…Oprah Winfry once said that the PERFECT man would satisfy not only his partners rational needs but also the irrational ones…I never understood what that meant…but I think I’m slowly finding out…all be it the hard way.

Sex and Basketball

Recently I relalised that the only two major thinking points I have in my simple and shallow life are Sex and Basketball …
I then realized that those two things have a lot in common and I also realized that my philosophy to sex is almost IDENTICAL to my philosophy on basketball so allow me to give you a quick insight into Chad’s Philosophy on the beautifull game...both of them.

Go big or go HOME!

They say size doesn’t matter both in basketball AND in the bedroom however those of us who are any good at our chosen sport knows that this ISNT TRUE…it’s a lot EASIER to be good and impressive if you are gifted with extra… “Height” shall we say. But one thing is for sure, if you are NOT gifted with the height then you got to be smart about what you do…you gotta be able to go the distance…be able to change gear between fast AND when the situation demands it. Gotta know what move to make and what time and last but not least, you got to be even HARDER then any other player on the field.

(P.S just for clarification…I might be below average height in basketball but that is IT! understand!?)

Grind Push, work real hard.

GOOD basketball isn’t easy. Laziness and Selfish play will get you quickly KICKED of the court and sitting on the cold, cold bench!
if you want to just play for fun then that’s great, you can do what you want and play as Loose as you like…but if your trying to make a real IMPACT and show that you actually care about what your doing…then you gotta be willing to put your body through its paces, SWEAT and go to WORK for as long as it takes for you and your “teammate(s)” to get the win.

You gotta be good with BOTH hands…

A basketball player who can only use one hand is a weak player. As someone who to this day still finds himself unable to undo a bra with one hand (so damn fiddly!) This one applies to me too. The basketball court and PEOPLE are both symmetrical and so only being able to do things on one side makes you only half a player… it might work perfectly fine when you’re on your stronger side but… there are two of everything…and so only being able to work your magic one half kind of makes you…”predictable” and as everyone knows being versatile and unpredictable is what makes players exciting to watch (and play with)

Don’t get cocky!

So you’ve made a name for yourself, certain people know you as a GREAT Player and news of your recently successful *cough* games has begin to spread but don’t think that you’re gods gift to the game just yet!

In basketball (and in good old sex) you are only as good as your last game. Just because you blew the roof off last time doesn’t mean that you won’t absolutely SUCK next time so STAY ALERT!

Don’t be selfish…

Probably the most important rule in BOTH games is that you are NOT playing alone…if you were then you could do what ever you want….but when your playing basketball your aim cant be trying to get YOURSELF to score…you want to make YOUR TEAM score I.E you AND your team mate have to be able to leave the court feeling damn good about yourselves, knowing that you worked hard and you deserved your win…

You need to get to know what your team mates habits are, how they think, move and what moves they like to do…in knowing this you can give them exactly what they want WHEN and they WHERE they want it…and in tern, your team mate will probably go out of their way to return the favor…

Love the Game

Basketball is FUN never forget that…
despite the fact that you always want to do your best and be a complete STAR you need to be able to enjoy your time on court…by all means think about what your doing but don’t OVER think it…the game should be natural to everyone (I mean our ancestors have been playing for hundreds of years before us…)

If you don’t like your team mates then respect yourself enough to walk away from them…also be sure to Respect every team mate you encounter There’s NO forgiveness for disrespect in a game as Great as basketball, and weather your team mates like to play a slow patient game or high speed “fast-break” weather they like to play around on the outside for a while or go hard with the inside drive…you’ve gotta be able to keep up and Enjoy the game.

Twitter: for people who honestly think we care…

I am brand spanking new to the whole “Blogging” scene so I’m not going to claim I understand how it all works.

However!

From what I’ve gathered is that Blogging allows typical nobodies l(ike me) to document, report and down right SHOUT any significant moments or thoughts that they have had in their otherwise irrelevant and un-important life.

I use this power of Blogging much in the same way that internet companies use Pop-up ads.
I shower people with messages ands alerts which no one really don’t cares about but I do it so that I feel important, and so that I can annoy other people with the very same thoughts that mercilessly annoy ME all day.

I also do it just so that IF I were to finally crack under the psychological pressures of the world and decided to go on a violent killing spree through every MacDonald’s in summerset before turning the gun on myself and blowing my head clean off…(deep breath)
Then at least this Blog will act as a way for newspaper reporters and Media correspondents to see just how “troubled” I really was and then they could give me a nice special feature episode on BBC “Panorama” where they talk about what a sweet boy I was…until I grew up and turned into the walking, talking bag of “Dark Side” that types before you

ANYWAY

TWITTER is much like web Blogging however each entry can only be as large as 140 characters. (i.e a paragraph at best)

The point is it’s supposed to act as a way of updating people on what you’re doing over the course of the day, kind of like “a blog between blogs” but I have one fundamental, undeniable and down right important question…uh…WHY!?

I mean WHO the hell is so important that I need to know what the FUCK they decided to have for lunch!?

I mean THINK about it…People only read Blogs to either be entertained or for significant information…no one gives a Damn about what you decided to put on your toast this morning or what time you decided to take your daily bathroom “Tinkle” or even how you had a throbbing hard-on after watching Mrs. doubt fire for the third time and started questioning your own sexuality (however that would probably be an interesting read…)

When I watch superman, do I want to hear about what shampoo he uses to get his hair so lush and shiny NO! I want to see him get slapped with huge baseball bat made of solid Kryptonite and watch him SQUIRM like a little Bitch…

If I turn on a football match (which I wouldn’t do because I have a brain…that works) I don’t want to know what underwear the French dude with the long hair is wearing NO! I wanna see Girly men kicking a ball around a pitch, all the time claiming to be playing a manly sport yet FLAILING to the ground at the slightest touch like a prostitute on the day the sailors come home….

My point is that Twitter is the biggest waste of time since Spiderman 3 (and that’s saying something because JESUS CHRIST that film was a waste of time…AND MONEY!)

And anyone using it or even thinking about using it should be sentenced to death by Stoning and rest assured I will be at the front row of the “stoning squad” throwing giant rocks and pebbles like an amateur baseball player. STRIKE ONE!

Theory of love #4: The Friend Zone…THE FUCKING FRIEND ZONE!

I have Broken Bones in my body…
I have lost valuables to thieves…

I have EVEN been hit by a fricken CAR!!

But no feeling…no torment on this sick and twisted planet we call earth could ever, ever EEEVER!! Compare to the soul crushing, ego stomping, ball busting, head screwing, tit clenching, ass kicking pain of realizing that you are in “The Friend Zone”.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the friend zone is allow me to explain….

The friend Zone is a painful and tormenting social position in which the girl or guy of your dreams considers you as nothing more than a “close friend”…
Now ideally I should not get personal about this particular theory of mine

However!

The sad truth of the matter is that up until early year 11 my life practically WAS the friend zone.
She sees you as a charming and lovable little teddy bear, someone whose shoulder is good to cry on and whose ear is always willing to listen. And whose charm can always make her laugh…

However!

Despite her “Fuzzy” feelings about your “friendship”, what she doesn’t know is that nothing in this world would make you happier than throwing her up against the nearest wall, ripping through her clothes with your own teeth and mounting her like a Silver Back gorilla…
But could you ever admit this?

HELL NO!

It’d complicate things. What if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if it becomes weird between us? What if we can never be the same again??
NO! all you can do is admire her from a distance like a pedophile in a nursery, knowing that if you make a move or even THINK about making a move, all hell can (and therefore will) break loose! And you’ll end up in more trouble than a Jewish homosexual in the middle of K.K.K meeting…

So while you sit there, listening to the girl/guy of your dreams tell you about someone else they hooked up with…you begin to wonder, how the hell do you stay out of this position you’re in…and now (after months of internet research, open talks with guys and girls, reading magazine articles and YEARS of learning the hard way) I have come up with 4 things you need to remember if you want to stay OUT of the “Friend Zone”

1. Make your intentions Clear

If you meet someone who grabs your romantic interest and refuses to let go; make it obvious that you like them in more than just a friendly capacity…flirt A LOT, make it obvious that you really do like him/her without necessarily saying as much.

Ask them out on a date but NEVER call it a date…it just sounds weird (Unless you’re in a cheesy 90’s romantic comedy staring Tom hanks and Julia Roberts…)

So long as you organize it for it to just be the two of you…it’ll be obvious that it’s a…D.A.T.E…

2. Sexual tension

Simply put, the major difference between friends and Partners is “Sexual tension”.

You know sexual tension when you see it. the two people are flirting CONSTANTLY.

You can see it in the way they look at each other, their tone of voice, how close they sit with each other, how comfortable they are touching each other ETC.

Probably the greatest single lesson I learned is that body language changes everything!

Look at them as if you’re interested…don’t Perv them up or anything, I mean regardless of how good they look their not meat! But look them in the eyes long enough for them to realize that you’re interested in them. Weather we know it or not we can tell how someone feels about us simply from how they look at us…so just like you give people “Evil” eyes and “angry” eyes you can give someone “I want you now” eyes…try it in the mirror and see if I’m wrong…
Also
talk about sex! Again don’t be a pervert about it and shout out SEX in the middle of a conversation…but bringing it up, perhaps joking about it, puts it on the table (metaphorically speaking) and adds an extra layer to the tension (which I believe is good)

Think of it this way…if someone says a word, you think about that word and it’s meaning…someone says the word “Sex” and you begin to think about it…simple psychology :D

3. Detachment

NO ONE LIKES A KISS ASS!!!! Simple! If he or she says something you disagree with then don’t pretend you do! Be independent. You don’t need to impress anyone so don’t feel that you should try and agree with everything he/she says just so it seems like you have a “connection” because that connection is carrying a train…and do you know where that train is heading? “THE FRIEND ZONE”

Also do other things. You don’t need to text this new person every single day just to find out how his/her day has been. They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and they also say that “the thrill is in the chase”…I’ not saying you need to play games with people…BUT you don’t want to seem to “Keen” because you become “dependable” and the whole buzz about sexual tension is knowing that “something COULD happen…but it also COULD not” …create a little distance helps keep the hold “will we or wont we” pressure alive…

4. Assume NOTHING

It is IMPOSSIBLE to completely evade the friend zone…we all fall into it from time to time…
Believe it or not…not every person you find smoking hot is going to feel the same way about you…and besides maybe they just left a long relationship? Perhaps they don’t particularly want to be in one…

The most important lesson in all of this is that you cant be disappointed every time you don’t get what you want…cause it’s gonna happen…you just gotta suck it up and move on.

“Not every potential romance you have can have a happy ending….for every ONE true love there’s gotta be FIFTY false ones” Chad Barley- 2009 :D

Theory of love #3: all men are secretly Bastards… all women are secretly stupid.

Ever since I was a child I’ve known and noticed that women are a lot more complex than we guys are.

Trying to solve the complexity of the female mind is much like trying to solve a 20,000 piece puzzle of the clear blue sky…it might as well be impossible! You ask a woman what she wants in a potential “Mate”. (yes I’m using the term “Mate” because I fell asleep watching the discovery channel…I also cant seem to shake the feeling that I’m being stalked by a Mountain lion hiding somewhere in the undergrowth…hmm…why am I still typing my random thoughts…chad stop typing!...DAMNIT!)

Anyway where was I….OH YES!

Woman all have a clear Idea of want they want in a partner but almost all of them/YOU end up falling for the same old jerks and jackasses! Despite that women tend to have a stronger sense of “intuition” about people in a society…women often find themselves falling the kind of People who literally trade between women like pokemon card (and I’m not even talking about “shiny” Pokemon cards …the kinds that gave children little Poke-orgasms when ever they saw them…I’m talking about those crappy little energy cards that you used to gave to the “Special” kids just so they’d stop following you around!...again typing way too much inner thought >.<)

It reminds me of a story my old priest once told us…

In the Garden of Eden…God and Adam have a conversation…

Adam: god...why did you make Eve so beautiful?

God replies…

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: (thinking) ok…so why did you make Eve smell so good?

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: I see…but god, why did you make Eve so funny?

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: alright…but answer me this...why did you make Eve so stupid?

God: so that SHE could love YOU!

And it’s true…women do have to be kind of stupid to fall for us guys…but they do…because they are :D

My point is that it’s common knowledge that most guys in the world are absolute DICKS…

But I think it’s cause we have to be…

There are SO many times that a woman KNOWS! That a certain guy is no good…she KNOWS that a certain person will bring nothing but heartache (often times he already has) but even though she knows that she shouldn’t…she cant help but hold on…
the same is true for men…

Almost every guy out there knows what’s considered right and wrong…and knows how they should behave and probably wants to behave that way…but the truth is we are all slaves to our base instincts…the desire to love and be loved (and make babies!) is a fundamental as our desire to eat and sleep…and so…

All men are secretly Bastards… all women are secretly stupid…because it’s the only way we could ever work together: D

Theory of love #2: The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Luckily for me I’ve experiences this particular truth on the positive side (if you can call it that)

Allow me to ask you questions…

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who CLEARLY feels a lot stronger for you then do for them?
It may sound cruel and perhaps even a little bit arrogant but there is often a time when the person you’re with cant seem to IMAGINE living without you….meanwhile you don’t feel quite as ecstatic with you’re “significant other”…

Now often times the person who seems madly in love will happily do what ever the other person would say, but even this god like power over another human being soon becomes more of a burden than a gift.

Sooner or later YOU are going to have to reach into you’re little love slaves rib cage and rip apart their heart before their very eyes…the result of which being your partner slowly begin to suffer an emotional implosion while you watch from afar wearing your Darth Vader helmet and trying desperately to convince yourself that you are NOT the bad guy…

The crux of my point is this…the more significant and important you see the person you’re with…the less it seems they are enthusiastic about you and vice versa.

Of course there are MANY exceptions and I’m sure many of you in relationships will dismiss what I’ve said as the ravings of a cynical loveless troll (and you’d be right)…

HOWEVER!

I suggest you take a closer look at the relationship between you and you’re partner and see if this theory has any bearing on you…

Also!

If after reading this you have no idea of what I’m saying and believe it to just be elegantly written B/S then it just might be that YOU are the love slave about to be crushed by the power of the “dark side”…may the force be with you.

Theory of love #1: Beauty x Personality x Availability= constant….this constant is always zero…

Ok…I’m only 18 years old as of writing this and so my experience of life is still relatively low…

I have lived on the inner city streets of London, I’ve lived in the outer suburbs of “Bath” and I’ve also lived in the average sized city of Essex…and I have met all kinds of different and interesting people.

HOWEVER!

There are certain things that seem to remain constant with all the guys and girls I have met on my travels…and this is one of those things…

All the girls I meet always seem to have a giant BUT…now I’m not talking about the Jennifer Lopez, widescreen panoramic kind of butt which literally crosses 3 international time zones and can technically be classified as its own moon

NO!

I mean they lack something which otherwise would make them "perfect" and I can’t help but wonder why that is.

For example:

You meet a girl who is truly STUNNING! The kind who you can’t help but watch enter and leave a room.
Now let’s assume that she likes you too…this is where that BUT comes in because 9 times out of 10 she will either be

A. In a relationship (meaning that her “availability” becomes zero) OR…

B. She has the personality of a glass of water and you can barley hold a conversation with her without wanting to suffocate yourself with your shoe laces.

Now this opinion may seem extremely pessimistic…and it IS!

But this is just the way things seem to turn out for me!
you meet someone who is undeinably hillarious and charming but has the sex appeal of female arangatang...or they are in fact dating an arangatang leaving you wandering if mabye you should think about growing more body hair...

Beauty x Personality x Availability= constant….this constant is always zero…

remember this because unlike "pythagoras" and "algebra" this is one equasion which is usefull to know so that when it slaps you across the face with the force of a sexually frustrated Rhino you'll be able to say "well at least i saw it comming this time..."

The thing is I’m sure some of you reading this are probably in a relationship already…so you would think that this rule doesn’t apply to you…I mean technically you’ve found someone who meets your required level of attractiveness…is fun to talk to and be with AND is available (assuming he/she isn’t also with someone else…) but this leads me onto cynical love theory number 2….

I am Chad, hear me ROAR!...*cough*

If the world was a comic book I would DEFINATLY be a super villain, but not one of those timeless and memorable villains like "the joker" and "Dr octopus"...

I’d be more the nameless super villain which comes up with a truly ingenious yet overtly complicated scheme to capture the batman, only to be thwarted by his young metro-sexual sidekick and thrown into jail for about 4 episodes before I return again with a plan just as ingenious as the last...

you see, in this comic book world i am NOT a main character, rather a support role which shows off how awesome everyone else is all the while being completely helpless and unable to make any real impact on the story.

In terms of my relationship status I’m single, and I like to think its because I haven’t yet met anyone who I care for enough to pursue...

HOWEVER!

I get the sneaking suspicion that the reason I think this is because my ego does NOT want to admit that I am not as earth shatteringly beautiful as my mum would have me believe.

NONE THE LESS!

Life is still pretty good (even as a useless side-character) I’m an average student, attaining B-s and C's in my classes. Also I’m black which ensures that I will ALWAYS have at least a base level of "coolness" going for me. I’m healthy and athletic (very useful when chasing after busses or running away from batman and his underage toy-boy)
and I’m also pretty funny...

Marilyn Monroe once said that "if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything"...
Marilyn Monroe was clearly a whore...
HOWEVER!
I suppose I understand her point. making people laugh is a valuable tool I’m guess and one I’ve gotten pretty good at using...perhaps I’m a little closer to the joker than first realized :D

P.S. a private message to robin…If the batman has been…you know… "mistreating” you…just follow this link.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk

The Disclamier!

Ok let’s get a quick disclaimer out of the way before we get this Blog started…

I don’t really read many Blogs myself or take part in the whole internet forum ‘underworld’, however, I’m pretty sure that over 80% of the people who host such things are cynical, pessimistic lemmings about three words away from typing themselves into a violent killing spree in the local McDonalds due to all the web based ad's, all the time screaming out “WHO’S LOVING IT NOW!?” and suffocating passers by with giant burger buns.

HOWEVER!

With all this said, I would just like to say that you can add me to that ever growing list of sociopaths, psychopaths, maniacs, lunatics and various other Nut-jobs…

Proceeding to read anything else in this Blog means that you are willing to hear the inner thoughts of a person who has completely lost track of social norms and whose life consists mostly of video games, early 90’s sitcoms, a few trips to the basketball court and skittles…because rainbow’s taste good.

everything i say is an opinion and unless i ACTUALLY say otherwise, even my statistics are false.

P.S if you currently work in Mc Donald’s watch your back because as I mentioned earlier, if I am to finally loose the plot it is YOU who will be the first to feel my wrath…you have been warned.