Theory of love #4: The Friend Zone…THE FUCKING FRIEND ZONE!

I have Broken Bones in my body…
I have lost valuables to thieves…

I have EVEN been hit by a fricken CAR!!

But no feeling…no torment on this sick and twisted planet we call earth could ever, ever EEEVER!! Compare to the soul crushing, ego stomping, ball busting, head screwing, tit clenching, ass kicking pain of realizing that you are in “The Friend Zone”.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the friend zone is allow me to explain….

The friend Zone is a painful and tormenting social position in which the girl or guy of your dreams considers you as nothing more than a “close friend”…
Now ideally I should not get personal about this particular theory of mine

However!

The sad truth of the matter is that up until early year 11 my life practically WAS the friend zone.
She sees you as a charming and lovable little teddy bear, someone whose shoulder is good to cry on and whose ear is always willing to listen. And whose charm can always make her laugh…

However!

Despite her “Fuzzy” feelings about your “friendship”, what she doesn’t know is that nothing in this world would make you happier than throwing her up against the nearest wall, ripping through her clothes with your own teeth and mounting her like a Silver Back gorilla…
But could you ever admit this?

HELL NO!

It’d complicate things. What if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if it becomes weird between us? What if we can never be the same again??
NO! all you can do is admire her from a distance like a pedophile in a nursery, knowing that if you make a move or even THINK about making a move, all hell can (and therefore will) break loose! And you’ll end up in more trouble than a Jewish homosexual in the middle of K.K.K meeting…

So while you sit there, listening to the girl/guy of your dreams tell you about someone else they hooked up with…you begin to wonder, how the hell do you stay out of this position you’re in…and now (after months of internet research, open talks with guys and girls, reading magazine articles and YEARS of learning the hard way) I have come up with 4 things you need to remember if you want to stay OUT of the “Friend Zone”

1. Make your intentions Clear

If you meet someone who grabs your romantic interest and refuses to let go; make it obvious that you like them in more than just a friendly capacity…flirt A LOT, make it obvious that you really do like him/her without necessarily saying as much.

Ask them out on a date but NEVER call it a date…it just sounds weird (Unless you’re in a cheesy 90’s romantic comedy staring Tom hanks and Julia Roberts…)

So long as you organize it for it to just be the two of you…it’ll be obvious that it’s a…D.A.T.E…

2. Sexual tension

Simply put, the major difference between friends and Partners is “Sexual tension”.

You know sexual tension when you see it. the two people are flirting CONSTANTLY.

You can see it in the way they look at each other, their tone of voice, how close they sit with each other, how comfortable they are touching each other ETC.

Probably the greatest single lesson I learned is that body language changes everything!

Look at them as if you’re interested…don’t Perv them up or anything, I mean regardless of how good they look their not meat! But look them in the eyes long enough for them to realize that you’re interested in them. Weather we know it or not we can tell how someone feels about us simply from how they look at us…so just like you give people “Evil” eyes and “angry” eyes you can give someone “I want you now” eyes…try it in the mirror and see if I’m wrong…
Also
talk about sex! Again don’t be a pervert about it and shout out SEX in the middle of a conversation…but bringing it up, perhaps joking about it, puts it on the table (metaphorically speaking) and adds an extra layer to the tension (which I believe is good)

Think of it this way…if someone says a word, you think about that word and it’s meaning…someone says the word “Sex” and you begin to think about it…simple psychology :D

3. Detachment

NO ONE LIKES A KISS ASS!!!! Simple! If he or she says something you disagree with then don’t pretend you do! Be independent. You don’t need to impress anyone so don’t feel that you should try and agree with everything he/she says just so it seems like you have a “connection” because that connection is carrying a train…and do you know where that train is heading? “THE FRIEND ZONE”

Also do other things. You don’t need to text this new person every single day just to find out how his/her day has been. They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and they also say that “the thrill is in the chase”…I’ not saying you need to play games with people…BUT you don’t want to seem to “Keen” because you become “dependable” and the whole buzz about sexual tension is knowing that “something COULD happen…but it also COULD not” …create a little distance helps keep the hold “will we or wont we” pressure alive…

4. Assume NOTHING

It is IMPOSSIBLE to completely evade the friend zone…we all fall into it from time to time…
Believe it or not…not every person you find smoking hot is going to feel the same way about you…and besides maybe they just left a long relationship? Perhaps they don’t particularly want to be in one…

The most important lesson in all of this is that you cant be disappointed every time you don’t get what you want…cause it’s gonna happen…you just gotta suck it up and move on.

“Not every potential romance you have can have a happy ending….for every ONE true love there’s gotta be FIFTY false ones” Chad Barley- 2009 :D

Theory of love #3: all men are secretly Bastards… all women are secretly stupid.

Ever since I was a child I’ve known and noticed that women are a lot more complex than we guys are.

Trying to solve the complexity of the female mind is much like trying to solve a 20,000 piece puzzle of the clear blue sky…it might as well be impossible! You ask a woman what she wants in a potential “Mate”. (yes I’m using the term “Mate” because I fell asleep watching the discovery channel…I also cant seem to shake the feeling that I’m being stalked by a Mountain lion hiding somewhere in the undergrowth…hmm…why am I still typing my random thoughts…chad stop typing!...DAMNIT!)

Anyway where was I….OH YES!

Woman all have a clear Idea of want they want in a partner but almost all of them/YOU end up falling for the same old jerks and jackasses! Despite that women tend to have a stronger sense of “intuition” about people in a society…women often find themselves falling the kind of People who literally trade between women like pokemon card (and I’m not even talking about “shiny” Pokemon cards …the kinds that gave children little Poke-orgasms when ever they saw them…I’m talking about those crappy little energy cards that you used to gave to the “Special” kids just so they’d stop following you around!...again typing way too much inner thought >.<)

It reminds me of a story my old priest once told us…

In the Garden of Eden…God and Adam have a conversation…

Adam: god...why did you make Eve so beautiful?

God replies…

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: (thinking) ok…so why did you make Eve smell so good?

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: I see…but god, why did you make Eve so funny?

God: so that you could love her Adam…

Adam: alright…but answer me this...why did you make Eve so stupid?

God: so that SHE could love YOU!

And it’s true…women do have to be kind of stupid to fall for us guys…but they do…because they are :D

My point is that it’s common knowledge that most guys in the world are absolute DICKS…

But I think it’s cause we have to be…

There are SO many times that a woman KNOWS! That a certain guy is no good…she KNOWS that a certain person will bring nothing but heartache (often times he already has) but even though she knows that she shouldn’t…she cant help but hold on…
the same is true for men…

Almost every guy out there knows what’s considered right and wrong…and knows how they should behave and probably wants to behave that way…but the truth is we are all slaves to our base instincts…the desire to love and be loved (and make babies!) is a fundamental as our desire to eat and sleep…and so…

All men are secretly Bastards… all women are secretly stupid…because it’s the only way we could ever work together: D

Theory of love #2: The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Luckily for me I’ve experiences this particular truth on the positive side (if you can call it that)

Allow me to ask you questions…

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who CLEARLY feels a lot stronger for you then do for them?
It may sound cruel and perhaps even a little bit arrogant but there is often a time when the person you’re with cant seem to IMAGINE living without you….meanwhile you don’t feel quite as ecstatic with you’re “significant other”…

Now often times the person who seems madly in love will happily do what ever the other person would say, but even this god like power over another human being soon becomes more of a burden than a gift.

Sooner or later YOU are going to have to reach into you’re little love slaves rib cage and rip apart their heart before their very eyes…the result of which being your partner slowly begin to suffer an emotional implosion while you watch from afar wearing your Darth Vader helmet and trying desperately to convince yourself that you are NOT the bad guy…

The crux of my point is this…the more significant and important you see the person you’re with…the less it seems they are enthusiastic about you and vice versa.

Of course there are MANY exceptions and I’m sure many of you in relationships will dismiss what I’ve said as the ravings of a cynical loveless troll (and you’d be right)…

HOWEVER!

I suggest you take a closer look at the relationship between you and you’re partner and see if this theory has any bearing on you…

Also!

If after reading this you have no idea of what I’m saying and believe it to just be elegantly written B/S then it just might be that YOU are the love slave about to be crushed by the power of the “dark side”…may the force be with you.

Theory of love #1: Beauty x Personality x Availability= constant….this constant is always zero…

Ok…I’m only 18 years old as of writing this and so my experience of life is still relatively low…

I have lived on the inner city streets of London, I’ve lived in the outer suburbs of “Bath” and I’ve also lived in the average sized city of Essex…and I have met all kinds of different and interesting people.

HOWEVER!

There are certain things that seem to remain constant with all the guys and girls I have met on my travels…and this is one of those things…

All the girls I meet always seem to have a giant BUT…now I’m not talking about the Jennifer Lopez, widescreen panoramic kind of butt which literally crosses 3 international time zones and can technically be classified as its own moon

NO!

I mean they lack something which otherwise would make them "perfect" and I can’t help but wonder why that is.

For example:

You meet a girl who is truly STUNNING! The kind who you can’t help but watch enter and leave a room.
Now let’s assume that she likes you too…this is where that BUT comes in because 9 times out of 10 she will either be

A. In a relationship (meaning that her “availability” becomes zero) OR…

B. She has the personality of a glass of water and you can barley hold a conversation with her without wanting to suffocate yourself with your shoe laces.

Now this opinion may seem extremely pessimistic…and it IS!

But this is just the way things seem to turn out for me!
you meet someone who is undeinably hillarious and charming but has the sex appeal of female arangatang...or they are in fact dating an arangatang leaving you wandering if mabye you should think about growing more body hair...

Beauty x Personality x Availability= constant….this constant is always zero…

remember this because unlike "pythagoras" and "algebra" this is one equasion which is usefull to know so that when it slaps you across the face with the force of a sexually frustrated Rhino you'll be able to say "well at least i saw it comming this time..."

The thing is I’m sure some of you reading this are probably in a relationship already…so you would think that this rule doesn’t apply to you…I mean technically you’ve found someone who meets your required level of attractiveness…is fun to talk to and be with AND is available (assuming he/she isn’t also with someone else…) but this leads me onto cynical love theory number 2….

I am Chad, hear me ROAR!...*cough*

If the world was a comic book I would DEFINATLY be a super villain, but not one of those timeless and memorable villains like "the joker" and "Dr octopus"...

I’d be more the nameless super villain which comes up with a truly ingenious yet overtly complicated scheme to capture the batman, only to be thwarted by his young metro-sexual sidekick and thrown into jail for about 4 episodes before I return again with a plan just as ingenious as the last...

you see, in this comic book world i am NOT a main character, rather a support role which shows off how awesome everyone else is all the while being completely helpless and unable to make any real impact on the story.

In terms of my relationship status I’m single, and I like to think its because I haven’t yet met anyone who I care for enough to pursue...

HOWEVER!

I get the sneaking suspicion that the reason I think this is because my ego does NOT want to admit that I am not as earth shatteringly beautiful as my mum would have me believe.

NONE THE LESS!

Life is still pretty good (even as a useless side-character) I’m an average student, attaining B-s and C's in my classes. Also I’m black which ensures that I will ALWAYS have at least a base level of "coolness" going for me. I’m healthy and athletic (very useful when chasing after busses or running away from batman and his underage toy-boy)
and I’m also pretty funny...

Marilyn Monroe once said that "if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything"...
Marilyn Monroe was clearly a whore...
HOWEVER!
I suppose I understand her point. making people laugh is a valuable tool I’m guess and one I’ve gotten pretty good at using...perhaps I’m a little closer to the joker than first realized :D

P.S. a private message to robin…If the batman has been…you know… "mistreating” you…just follow this link.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk

The Disclamier!

Ok let’s get a quick disclaimer out of the way before we get this Blog started…

I don’t really read many Blogs myself or take part in the whole internet forum ‘underworld’, however, I’m pretty sure that over 80% of the people who host such things are cynical, pessimistic lemmings about three words away from typing themselves into a violent killing spree in the local McDonalds due to all the web based ad's, all the time screaming out “WHO’S LOVING IT NOW!?” and suffocating passers by with giant burger buns.

HOWEVER!

With all this said, I would just like to say that you can add me to that ever growing list of sociopaths, psychopaths, maniacs, lunatics and various other Nut-jobs…

Proceeding to read anything else in this Blog means that you are willing to hear the inner thoughts of a person who has completely lost track of social norms and whose life consists mostly of video games, early 90’s sitcoms, a few trips to the basketball court and skittles…because rainbow’s taste good.

everything i say is an opinion and unless i ACTUALLY say otherwise, even my statistics are false.

P.S if you currently work in Mc Donald’s watch your back because as I mentioned earlier, if I am to finally loose the plot it is YOU who will be the first to feel my wrath…you have been warned.