I've seen this movie before...It doesn’t end well…

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do…

I mean…I’m sure the Bible is a great read…but seeing as I already know the main character dies in the end is there any real reason for me to go back and read it through?
(Spoiler alert…I hear he comes back…)

I’ve spent so much time analyzing the relationships of other people that I’ve learned to spot the early signs of failure….

The unnecessary fights when neither side seems to comprehend the views of the other…

The Insecurities that are never addressed and are allowed to grow heavier and heavier with each passing night…

The constant power struggle between two elements…The passionate intensity of fire being doused by the more serene nature of water…or the wandering personality of air being bound to a single spot by the resolute nature of earth…

No matter how you look at it, spiritually, philosophically or psychologically and no matter what the reasons are, the signs of incompatibility are exactly the same Every-Single-Time.

Now naturally, being the idealist that I am, I try to ignore the signs when they happen to me (because of course, my relationships are an exception and can't possibly subscribe to the same rules as everybody elses).

I ignore the very signs that I point out to countless friends in countless other scenarios…
I ignore the very signs that keep me up till 4 Am writing my thoughts down in the hopes that when I finish reading them they might actually begin make sense.

I suppose it’s kind of like being a doctor with a cold…
to most people it’s obviously ‘just a cold’ but to a medical professional…it could be ANYTHING…I mean a doctor knows about all of the illnesses and conditions that start off with ‘cold like symptoms’…and even though he might tell himself (or herself…modern society and all) that it’s ‘probably just a cold’ you just cant switch off the medically trained mind.

In the past few weeks I’ve consulted Psychology books, sociology Blogs, Star charts, and even the Chinese Zodiac…all in a hope to disprove something that my own instincts and academic experience have been telling me from the start….

Much like a doctor, there’s just no switching of the analytical mind…and the analytical mind tells me… ‘This simply isn’t going to work and you both know it’.

Now I suppose I could fight on…I mean this free spirited Horse (according to the Chinese) could pretend to be a strong and resolute Dragon all he wants…but every once in a while I’m gonna be called on to breath fire…or I’m going to want to forget work and roam through a whole new field for the day…and no matter how much either of us asks the other to join in…our very natures will invariably let us down…

I repeat what I said at the beginning… ‘Sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do'
Because more often than not, the things you know, are in direct opposition with what you want.

It’s 4:15 AM. It’s spring, a whole new season, and yet I’m still here as cold as winter, looking up at my ceiling and imagining a future where I have someone to call, someone who would actually be happy to hear my groggy-Ass Voice even at 4AM …

I suppose it’s a lot to ask…probably more than an ‘ENFP’ (according to Psychologists) like me is likely to find , but I guarantee it’ll still be on the top of my Christmas list....

Every-Single-Time

P.S

Although I am super skeptical of personality analysis, both spiritual and psychological …I have to admit both the Chinese (horse) and the Myer Briggs indicator (ENFP) have me pretty much spot on to an almost scary degree. Perhaps worth checking out…

I cant believe I went all this time believing I was a Capricorn! I’m nothing like a Capricorn!
Gemini 4 life!!!

Recommended Reference:
Chinese zodiac

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/ Calculator for Chinese year

http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm -Great for additional detail

Western Zodiac

http://www.astrology.com.au/12signs/index.asp Pretty awesome site in general…

Psychology

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp - Quick, easy, accurate test...

http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html - detailed Character analysis of each ‘type’

To anyone Who's ever Cheated, Been cheated, or wanted to cheat on love...This is for you.

Faith is a real killer sometimes. The brother of Hope and the father of trust…Faith is often the only thing that can allow people to work together.

The problem is I’m really starting to lose the stuff..
No matter where I look, I’m watching people get their hearts broken, spat on, thrown out of car windows, packaged up, sent to Baghdad, blown up by insurgents, sent back Via FedEx and then presented back to their owner on a plate labeled ‘betrayal’.

The truth is that Trust is ultimately a blind leap into the arms of something or someone that you believe won’t let you fall…but the more I watch, the more people seem to be hitting the ground.

On my left I see a great guy, who finds out his girlfriend was playing the late night fiddle with some other guy while he’s wandering what to buy her for Christmas…

On my right, I’m watching a girl suck the face off some dude in the club EVEN THOUGH she’s a got a great and devoted boyfriend back home….then again What’s to say that HE isn’t doing the exact same thing!?

On my phone I hear the emotional tears of a young woman whose boyfriend of 3 years has been sleeping with her best friend for the past 3 months

And as collect all of these thoughts, I find out that my OWN ex got a little too familiar with some other dude back when we were still together, and up until 2 hours ago I HAD NO IDEA!
the Very thought of it fills me with a deep and unshakable torment …the idea that someone who I felt genuinely lucky to be with, happened to be getting ‘lucky’ with someone else. And that I was so enamored to not even SUSPECT IT! I’ll admit it…I feel stupid naive, jealous and angry…and to be honest I think I’m most angry at myself...

AM I CRAZY!?

Is everything I’m seeing really normal? Are my values on relationships and romance outdated? I mean I’ll never admit to being an angel, and I enjoy the pleasures of a good old fashioned sin as much as the next guy…but I have to admit that I’m a little scared by what I see.

When I see people betraying the trust of their loved ones I can’t help but violently push them away from me…but as I keep doing it I quickly find myself running out of friends.

Maybe this is a lesson I had to learn…

I’m much like a child in many ways, energetic, enthusiastic, playful but most importantly very loyal…I can’t expect everyone to have the same sense of loyalty as me…but perhaps I should save my enthusiasm for few people that do.

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed…”-some dude

Attention please!

It’s important to realize very early on in life that everyone is the star of their own Movie.
If we take the words of William Shakespeare “All the world's a stage” then you begin to a paint a very convincing picture… we all encounter the conflicts, the romance, the suspense, the pressures, the risks, the successes and the failures that come with a piece of drama...

However being the star of your OWN movie simply isn’t enough for most people.

Believe it or not I love attention, not only do I love it, I actively seek it! If I enter a room then I would like you, your mother and your next door neighbor to know about it...
The idea of simply Fading into the background like an extra on the set of Hollyoaks fills me with a deep and unshakable feeling of…well…lets just say it doesn’t make me feel good.

BUT!

Like most important things in this world, Attention is usually only noticed when someone isn’t getting enough, (or perhaps, is getting to much)

Ever since I was a young (he says as if he is approaching retirement in the near future…) I’ve had this almost supernatural ability that I like to call “Social Microwaving” (Cue: lightning sound effect

It’s a trait that many politicians and con-men (If they aren’t the same thing…) have acquired…
The ability to intensely focus on a SINGLE person for a certain period of time…to feed them so much of your undivided attention that they begin to feel like you and they are the ONLY people in the room.

It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to chat up a girl on the bus, trying to cheer up a saddened loved one or simply showing someone you care. The best way to get someone to confide in you is to make them the staring role In you’re personal production.

For a 20, 30, 60 minute stretch they begin to feel like a special guest on YOU’RE Sit com (the Brad Pit in your episode if friends…the Brendan Frasier in scrubs…), and begin to warm up to you from the inside out, revealing more about themselves they are even aware of.

Many time’s I’ve had people talk to me for hours and then literally stop themselves and ask “wow, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this…” (Cue evil laughter)
You would be surprised how much people are willing to share if you simply give them the attention they desire.

The real trick Isn’t so much how you treat the other person…it’s how much your willing to ignore about everything else…for the next “x” amount of time…you (insert name here) are my number 1 priority…my phone goes off? I’ll ignore it, I was watching a film but I’ll turn the T.V off.

So next time you find yourself in a 1 on 1 situation with someone you need to impress, or keep happy…try a little social microwaving and see if it doesn’t just get you where you want to be :D

The C.O.M.D Guide to being single (2010 edition)

Dusting through my old computer files I found an old piece entitled (how to be single as a teenager) which i had written a couple years back (before the blog)

So, after a few tweeks and changes and corrections allow me to introduce to you my guide to being single
Enjoy ^^
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Being single can be HELL, it can be a tortuous and frustrating state to be in and one that seems to be constant and never ending

BUT!

Being single can be the single most awesome and uplifting experiences in modern life. Think about it.
The true beauty of youth is the factor of ‘possibility’. When you’re young you have you’re ENTIRE future ahead of you…you could become a doctor…a lawyer…an intercontinental professional wrestler (I’d Call myself Kid Phantom) the possibilities are ENDLESS!! And the same can be said with being single!

IF you find yourself lamenting the day to day task of being a single man (or woman) in Great Britain follow my simple 5 step plan to happiness…

Step 1-The Cop…

You are a cop...

When a police man walks into the room he does it with authority…he is the LAW! You WILL respect him…he demands it…he doesn’t need to SAY a thing. It’s important to have that feeling of self importance…you are not just another dude (or female) you are the one and only! Know that in a room of at least 10 people it is guaranteed that at least 1 person will be looking at you at any given time. It’s not a mater of being full of yourself…it’s matter of knowing exactly how much you’re worth.

Buy clothes that make you feel better than everyone else…stand out…keep an eye out for fashion BUT deviate from it…you don’t wanna be wearing the same shirt, shoes, dress, skirt, jeans or baseball cap as everyone else. You’re clothes are your uniform they represent the brand…and they better represent well…

Step 2- The Con artist

You’re also the criminal…strategic, cerebral, calculated and cool…a criminal needs to be able to focus and become what ever he/she needs to at a moments notice…go about your daily life as you would but ALWAYS keep an eye open for a potential ‘mark’. Analyze the situation and adjust accordingly.

In a library? Pick up on what she’s (or he’s) reading “hey I notice you’re reading (Charles dickens, Financial Times, Life and times of King Henry the VIII, Suicide bombing for dummies) I don’t suppose you’re studying (English, Economy, History, Al Qaeda) what’s that course like here…

And just like that the “con is on” it’s nothing genius it’s simply Reading the situation and adjusting your tone to it. At a party? Ask her to dance! Out shopping ask for her opinion on something…tis simple! And it’s also helped by tip 3

Step 3- The worldly Scholar

Learning isn’t simply about Chemical bonds and Algebra. Learning is a fun part of life all the way until you die.

People tend to live their life between college (university now) and late night clubbing and they simply slip and slide from one side to the other like a ball in an eternal tennis match but what about Social clubs? Why not take up a sport, an activity! A new hobby. Instead of watching kung fu films why not learn a martial art? Why not learn to play ice hockey? Or dance the tango?

The world is WAY to large to paint yourself into a small little corner. Why not experience more, it makes you a more interesting person as a whole and not only can it be fun but it’s an AWESOME way to meet new people.

The most interesting people I’ve met seem to have tried a little bit everything, they can dance, play an instrument, have an active sport interest, enjoy crafts etc and the more that you do the more you can have in common with people! And let’s not forget you can always quit after a few weeks if it doesn’t hold your interest…

Who knows…you might be a natural golfer? Or master of the waltz…you’ll never know unless you give it a shot…

Step 4- The “Friend”

Guy’s… believe it or not girls actually make good friends...like in a platonic sense

Now I know a lot of you are thinking what’s the point of having a female friend if your not trying to get into her pants BUT the truth is having a trusted girl or two (or maybe even a group) can give you a real advantage out there in the tough dating world (wow did I really just call it the dating world?...what is this sex and the city?)

Girls can tell you what’s hot and what’s not. They can give you honest advice as to what cheesy lines are gonna fly and which one’s will get you slapped harder than a big ass in a P.Diddy video.
Let’s not forget that girls can inevitably hook you up with OTHER GIRLS.

Now as someone who spent many a year in the “Friend Zone” (read previous blog’s for details…) Take it from me…revealing the female mind is IMPOSSIBLE unless you have a few female friends to help with the translations…

Step 5- The Genetics

No song, No movie, No blog, No Speech, No poem, No Letter, No product, No NOTHING, can Stop you from being you…It’s important to understand yourself more than ANYTHING else…know what you can do and celebrate it…know what you cant do and then accept it…perhaps even try to improve it but do not HATE it…Every strength you have will probably come with an associated weakness…consider it gods way of keeping all the players on the pitch equal….the trick is to do the best with what you CAN do.

At the end of the day you are the product of thousands of years of genetics…you come from a long line of Survivors…people who survived in the wilderness, the jungles, who have survived plagues, fights, wars and hardships. Your bloodline has gone through more drama than an entire decades worth of Soap Operas…Chances are any problem you’re going through has already been faced, dealt with and forgotten by someone who went before you.

So for the love of god realize that you are a success story waiting to happen, and every success story has it’s conflicts. OK so you didn’t get into your university of choice? Neither did martin Luther king. So you didn’t make the sports team you really wanted to? Neither did Michael Jordon back in high school. So the so called ‘love of your life dumped you for your best friend’ guess what she’s not the love of your life and he’s not your best friend He’s some punk who conned you into trusting him and she’s some skank disguised as an angel!! .

So as long as your alive your gonna have problems so cry me a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT!
Have a little faith in your genes, they got you this far haven’t they, you really think they’re gonna stop now?

Dissatisfaction Guaranteed...

Dissatisfaction, the feeling of discontent. The feeling you get when the things you want simply do not turn out the way you want or expect them to. It’s an avoidable feeling on the highway we call life and it’s a feeling that often gives us an idea that something simply isn’t right…

Back when you were a kid it became PINFULLY clear that you would not always get the things you want, if it was so then I would own the largest theme park in the northern hemisphere, my own private island somewhere off the coast of Jamaica and an award winning movie called ‘the science of being awkward’ starring Samuel Jackson as the young and charismatic Chad Barley, but alas tis not the case.

The real problem with dissatisfaction is the deep, unshakable feeling it gives you about the world around.
The feeling that no matter how hard you try…something…will trip you up down the road.

The bible says that we should all treat each other the way we want to be treated ourselves, it’s a very simple concept but almost impossible to ever achieve.

No matter how hard you try someone will ALWAYS find fault in what you do.
The problem with trying to keep OTHER people happy is that happiness is subjective. If a task you perform makes 8 people happy then there will always be 2 who felt you weren’t doing enough (or perhaps even too much) and if you’re anything like me then it’s those final two who will occupy your mind the most…

And here in lies the problem. Everyone opinion of how much is TOO much and how little is TOO little is different and yet people (in general) tend to view their own opinions as law.

The question I ask is this…if dissatisfaction is almost guaranteed…is it worth even trying?

Would it not be in our best interest to act only in our best interests?

Perhaps it’s me with the problem…perhaps it’s naive to be a ‘Giver’ on a world full of ‘takers’. Living to put a smile on others peoples faces is a romantic idea, but who cheers up the clown when he’s sad? Who motivates the motivators when they…well…feel un motivated.

Social theorists for years now have been saying how western society as a whole has become more and more selfish, some blame capitalism, some blame television, some blame global warming (well no one blames global warming but it always seems to come up…)
But a part of me thinks that maybe that’s the way society has had to adapt to itself…and maybe, just maybe this idealist needs to grow up and do a lil more ‘taking’ for himself.

Sex: the tasty taboo

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Logic Vs Emotion: Round 1!

People are strange and annoying! If it was up to me the world would be full of chads…Sure it’d probably be a total pig sty…we’d have no functional economy because no one could count and Everyone would spend most of their time in doors playing video games instead of out there doing real work BUT at least we’d all understand each other…I wouldn’t need to do my ‘emotional detective’ work on people and read too much into everything. Allow me to walk you through something that bothered me a couple days back

My girlfriend…without a doubt one hell of a lady. Killer looks, classy as classy could get. More intelligent than an Intel Pentium 4 processor yet stupid enough to waste her time with a sociopath like me. (Thank god love is blind >.<)

So yesterday I called this goddess of mine on the phone…and knowing that the both of us had the next day free I told her that I’d LOVE to see her that evening...providing that she wasn’t busy of course...

And this is where it happens…

The moment…

the exact point in time where the twin towers of my enthusiasm were brought CRASHING DOWN by a simple statement... “I was actually planning on finishing my writing (she's a writer) and going to sleep early”…

I…I…I See…well then…have fun.

And with that…the conversation ends…now I have no right to feel anything in this situation…she’s a grown woman!! She requires space to do the things she needs to do right? I’m not a baby! I don’t need the constant attention of this woman like a defenseless infant right!! RIGHT!!!!

BUT!

As I stayed alone in my room, bored, disappointed and scratching up against the wall like a horny cat during mating season I began to think…and if there was one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that thinking…is the root of all evil…

On one hand she’s a grown woman!! And a strong one at that…she requires space and I NEED to respect that! I mean I’m not a child anymore (at least not biologically) and I’ve got to give her the room to pursue the things that she wants to do…so far…
logic:1 Emotions:0

BUT

Recently I bought a game for my Playstation called dragon age…its an epic…over the past 7 days I’ve clocked up over 80 hours with no sign of slowing down…

YET!

If my Vixen of Voluptuous stature asked to meet up with me…I would run like I was auditioning for Forrest Gump the musical! I would make Sonic the Hedgehog look like a god damn cripple!

Without a shadow of a doubt I would turn of the thing and meet my lovely lady and the reason I would do this is not because I have to or because it’s expected of me…it’s because I WANT to…so…

(following this simple line of reasoning) perhaps that means she simply didn’t want to meet me…or at least not as much as she wanted to finish her writing…so in terms of her priority list that must mean I come after writing… right?

(I believe you see where this is going…)

And so the thinking gets deeper…

I wander just where I DO fit on this priority list? Above shopping prehaps? What about television? Am I above that? Is she had to choose between saving me or a box set of desperate housewives on DVD…which would she choose!??? Would I even have a shot!!!?? The vicious cocktail of narcoses and paranoia continue to build up a very convincing case…

The train of thought speeds up and I begin to think about where does she fit on MY list…I mean this is a game I’ve been waiting for 6 months to arrive…hell…I knew about the game before I knew about her! I doubt Id even PAUSE it for my own mother…(unless she was on fire or something and even then id probably ask her to keep it down until I could find a save point…)

Yet I easily put it down for this young woman…so she must rank pretty high on my list no?

So I begin to wonder where do I rank on hers…which makes me begin to question everything!

I always approach a relationship from a position of mutual desire…

“I want what I want…and I want you…if you feel the same way about me…then we could help each other out” I understand just how blunt that sounds but lets face it…love is the most selfish emotion there is! Why else would it inspire jealousy in people?

And all of this…all of this doubt triggered by a single polite comment…the logical side of my brain shouts ‘You’re over reacting kid!!! Pull up!! PULL UP!!’
But the emotional side simply fails to listen…you were enthusiastic about meeting this person and they…they were not…why?

In the end (as I’ve learned to do) I responded logically I accepted…I swallowed my pride and let it go (after all there was no real transgression here…) but still…Oprah Winfry once said that the PERFECT man would satisfy not only his partners rational needs but also the irrational ones…I never understood what that meant…but I think I’m slowly finding out…all be it the hard way.