I love my life...it's the people in it I cant stand.

As smooth as a the back-side of a newborn baby my first year at University has come to a simple and un-dramatic end...however...much like the back-side of a baby, I sense that it’s only a matter of time before I’m going to have to deal with a whole new load of shit...

...so, I hear you ask, what has £6000+ worth of debt and 9 months of your time bought you? What irreplaceable lessons have your experiences granted you...the answer...is actually quite a lot...
you see with no parents reminding you to get your ass to sleep or to wake up, you learn to do it yourself... a simple lesson right? Defiantly not worth the money on it’s own, but it expands beyond this...

Often, even when awake we stay asleep to certain aspects of our lives and the environment we are around. Take for instance Assignment deadlines...we know we have to do them...we know when they need to be done by...and yet...we watch. We sit on face book, read books, watch movies and as the 9 week deadline becomes a 6 day deadline we suddenly wake up! ‘Shit!? I need to do HOW MUCH by WHEN!?”

However...perhaps the largest wake up call for me, isn’t so much one of daylight and School work...It’s more of people and personality.
Simply put, there are SOME people who are worth you’re time people who for whatever reason view the world in much the same way you do, who you can share ideas, passions, conversation, drinks, dreams, perhaps a kiss, perhaps even more. These people will often come with their own problems...often they will become YOUR problem too but with a little understanding and a whole lot of Patience these people can become irreplaceable allies and friends...

Now some people of course, are not worth your time...these people aren’t ‘evil’ as such or ‘bad’ people...perhaps they grew up with a different set of values, met different people, read a different book at a certain point of their life, whatever the reason...they simply do not/can not and will not be able to view and live their life within the same spectrum as you...

Now, neither of these are particularly bad, we all know that some people make great friends others almost seem placed by god to make your life as complicated and frustrating as possible...this isn’t a problem when you can tell the difference...the problem is what happens when you cant...

By far the single greatest lesson I have learned in the past academic year is this one...
“Not all that glitters is gold”
Making assumptions is perhaps the single greatest mistake a person can make in everyday life...often times assuming something as ‘Fact’ can and will make you UTTERLY BLIND to the clues and cues that are staring you right in the face “I don’t care if it bounces, is chewy, smells like chocolate. It’s sparkling therefore it must be gold.”

Although i have done well...my confidence in both myself and the world around me has dropped...some might call it a part of growing up, me...I’m not so sure.
They say “surround yourself with the people who make you feel strong , do not give power to those who make you feel weak”...
When I look back at the moments in which I felt my worst...when I look at the person I was upon entering university and the person I am now...and when i sit here feeling a mixture of anger sadness, disappointment and confusion at a comment which was ultimately 'just a joke' I need to question myself and some of the judgements and assumption I've made...

This is what i will take from my first year at university...

I've seen this movie before...It doesn’t end well…

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do…

I mean…I’m sure the Bible is a great read…but seeing as I already know the main character dies in the end is there any real reason for me to go back and read it through?
(Spoiler alert…I hear he comes back…)

I’ve spent so much time analyzing the relationships of other people that I’ve learned to spot the early signs of failure….

The unnecessary fights when neither side seems to comprehend the views of the other…

The Insecurities that are never addressed and are allowed to grow heavier and heavier with each passing night…

The constant power struggle between two elements…The passionate intensity of fire being doused by the more serene nature of water…or the wandering personality of air being bound to a single spot by the resolute nature of earth…

No matter how you look at it, spiritually, philosophically or psychologically and no matter what the reasons are, the signs of incompatibility are exactly the same Every-Single-Time.

Now naturally, being the idealist that I am, I try to ignore the signs when they happen to me (because of course, my relationships are an exception and can't possibly subscribe to the same rules as everybody elses).

I ignore the very signs that I point out to countless friends in countless other scenarios…
I ignore the very signs that keep me up till 4 Am writing my thoughts down in the hopes that when I finish reading them they might actually begin make sense.

I suppose it’s kind of like being a doctor with a cold…
to most people it’s obviously ‘just a cold’ but to a medical professional…it could be ANYTHING…I mean a doctor knows about all of the illnesses and conditions that start off with ‘cold like symptoms’…and even though he might tell himself (or herself…modern society and all) that it’s ‘probably just a cold’ you just cant switch off the medically trained mind.

In the past few weeks I’ve consulted Psychology books, sociology Blogs, Star charts, and even the Chinese Zodiac…all in a hope to disprove something that my own instincts and academic experience have been telling me from the start….

Much like a doctor, there’s just no switching of the analytical mind…and the analytical mind tells me… ‘This simply isn’t going to work and you both know it’.

Now I suppose I could fight on…I mean this free spirited Horse (according to the Chinese) could pretend to be a strong and resolute Dragon all he wants…but every once in a while I’m gonna be called on to breath fire…or I’m going to want to forget work and roam through a whole new field for the day…and no matter how much either of us asks the other to join in…our very natures will invariably let us down…

I repeat what I said at the beginning… ‘Sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do'
Because more often than not, the things you know, are in direct opposition with what you want.

It’s 4:15 AM. It’s spring, a whole new season, and yet I’m still here as cold as winter, looking up at my ceiling and imagining a future where I have someone to call, someone who would actually be happy to hear my groggy-Ass Voice even at 4AM …

I suppose it’s a lot to ask…probably more than an ‘ENFP’ (according to Psychologists) like me is likely to find , but I guarantee it’ll still be on the top of my Christmas list....

Every-Single-Time

P.S

Although I am super skeptical of personality analysis, both spiritual and psychological …I have to admit both the Chinese (horse) and the Myer Briggs indicator (ENFP) have me pretty much spot on to an almost scary degree. Perhaps worth checking out…

I cant believe I went all this time believing I was a Capricorn! I’m nothing like a Capricorn!
Gemini 4 life!!!

Recommended Reference:
Chinese zodiac

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/ Calculator for Chinese year

http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm -Great for additional detail

Western Zodiac

http://www.astrology.com.au/12signs/index.asp Pretty awesome site in general…

Psychology

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp - Quick, easy, accurate test...

http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html - detailed Character analysis of each ‘type’

To anyone Who's ever Cheated, Been cheated, or wanted to cheat on love...This is for you.

Faith is a real killer sometimes. The brother of Hope and the father of trust…Faith is often the only thing that can allow people to work together.

The problem is I’m really starting to lose the stuff..
No matter where I look, I’m watching people get their hearts broken, spat on, thrown out of car windows, packaged up, sent to Baghdad, blown up by insurgents, sent back Via FedEx and then presented back to their owner on a plate labeled ‘betrayal’.

The truth is that Trust is ultimately a blind leap into the arms of something or someone that you believe won’t let you fall…but the more I watch, the more people seem to be hitting the ground.

On my left I see a great guy, who finds out his girlfriend was playing the late night fiddle with some other guy while he’s wandering what to buy her for Christmas…

On my right, I’m watching a girl suck the face off some dude in the club EVEN THOUGH she’s a got a great and devoted boyfriend back home….then again What’s to say that HE isn’t doing the exact same thing!?

On my phone I hear the emotional tears of a young woman whose boyfriend of 3 years has been sleeping with her best friend for the past 3 months

And as collect all of these thoughts, I find out that my OWN ex got a little too familiar with some other dude back when we were still together, and up until 2 hours ago I HAD NO IDEA!
the Very thought of it fills me with a deep and unshakable torment …the idea that someone who I felt genuinely lucky to be with, happened to be getting ‘lucky’ with someone else. And that I was so enamored to not even SUSPECT IT! I’ll admit it…I feel stupid naive, jealous and angry…and to be honest I think I’m most angry at myself...

AM I CRAZY!?

Is everything I’m seeing really normal? Are my values on relationships and romance outdated? I mean I’ll never admit to being an angel, and I enjoy the pleasures of a good old fashioned sin as much as the next guy…but I have to admit that I’m a little scared by what I see.

When I see people betraying the trust of their loved ones I can’t help but violently push them away from me…but as I keep doing it I quickly find myself running out of friends.

Maybe this is a lesson I had to learn…

I’m much like a child in many ways, energetic, enthusiastic, playful but most importantly very loyal…I can’t expect everyone to have the same sense of loyalty as me…but perhaps I should save my enthusiasm for few people that do.

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed…”-some dude